An Unexpected Turnover

Tissues were piling up from the bin and my pillows were wet with tears. I’ve been glued to my bed while the smell of my tears filled up the room, and my eyes heavily darted back and forth on the dark ceiling. I had a lot to say but nothing clearly came to my mind that it felt like I’m painting in the dark.

Rumbling questions were ruminating in my head throughout these endless nights. A sigh could never silence them; A thought would only lead to another until it unfolds this vast ocean beneath me. I felt like I was chained; every question pulled down the lever connected until my bare feet touched the icy water of thoughts. The next thing I knew, I was already at the bottom of despair.

I was starting to shatter into thousands of pieces; hoping that someone would extend their hands — my waiting had been so long that my eyes turned grey —, and no one did.

Were my masks too thick for them to see through or did they just not care?

I tasted the enlightening sweet flavor of freedom as I felt the wind caress my skin and watched the trees wave. The sun glimmered at its lowest peek until dusk embraced the sky. I was grateful for the rain that visited me at night which concealed my wailing and cries.

More often than not, I didn’t know where to start. Being in a dome of a maze filled with fearful monsters had always led me to a dead end. No matter how hard I tried, I was always back to where I began. I was scared. There were countless times I thought to just let these monsters devour me until the pain became painless… until someone showed me mercy.

I was ready to slip away when a ball of sunshine entered my unstable life. His black and white fur tickled me whenever he ran to comfort me. It made me feel as if I’m floating in the air like a free bird. His little barks and whimpers softened my stone-cold soul and it made me genuinely laugh. His fragrance gave me safety as it gave me assurance of not being alone anymore. It was a whisper of peace. Finally, I knew someone was already waiting for me to come home; excited by my presence and to play with. At last, a feeling of being valued and loved.

I found a purpose and giving up was never an option anymore. I was transferred to a different world when I became his parent figure; a fresh start for us. I didn’t find the hope I needed in people, but I found it in an innocent and lovely dog. He walked with me through the darkest nights and became the one to bring me towards the light.

Although I am still on the verge of conflict within myself, I am starting to unchain my mind with my heart. Little by little, I can move without fear of being judged either by myself or by others.

Insecurities and self-doubts can kill you; an assassination of who you really were. Today, I am enjoying the company of my best friend, my companion for life, of my dog, Loki. I found a home and the peace to my never-ending worries. No matter how deep we were in the ocean or trapped in an endless room, there is always hope and a new chance to start over. Never lose hope.